I was eating the chocolate cookie that I baked yesterday (which I posted the recipe) and I thought to myself “these cookies are really tasty, I am going to be such a good mum .” But what does being a good mum means? I got married 2 years ago, I have a degree, I have a job I enjoy doing but now I am starting to feel like something is missing in our life. I don’t know what it is or may be I do, the problem is that I am just a bit scared to accept. When I was dating my future husband I always used to talk about us having a baby not just one but 2 or 3, and they would all look like me and be as clever as my husband. I even imagined how to dress them when going out for a walk.
The problem is that, that period I used to think about the shining part of the medal but now all I think is: I will have to consider my body changing, getting up at night, changing the baby 100 times a day, not being able even to have a shower and when he/she will be 3 years old I will have to literally hand him/her to the nursery during the day which will leave me crying because I will want those first years to came back. After that, it comes the hardest part of all, the teenage period, the period when she/he will think is a grown up capable of changing the world but in fact not able to even post a letter. University means years of saving money and sacrifices but sometimes thrown to the bin because some day he/she meet a “special” person who will give the wrong advice and make him/her leave everything to follow some idealistic dream. Then after 25 he/she will get married (I hope) and the problems and the new life will get him or her far away from my life and I will have to accept that.
I know I am being a bit pessimistic but that is because I am scared of the unknown like everyone else is. I know having a baby is the most important and wonderful thing that can happen to a couple, I know that apart from changing the baby I will have to cuddle him/her a lot, I will be there to experience the first time of hearing (mummy or daddy), I will have to comfort her/him when is scared of the thunders. I will play with my baby in the playground, be the first to teach him/her things about the world and life and when he/she is a teenager maybe I will go with him/her to concerts or at the cinema, I hope I will be the first one to know about my son/daughter’s first crush. I will be on the first line to support all his/her dreams and future aspirations. I will see my child becoming a good human being, caring about others, smiling at them, helping and making everyone surrounding him/her feel comfortable.
Yes, I am definitely scared but that is because I want to be a good parent, I need my child to be proud of having me as a mum and my husband as a dad. But then I think, I love my mum and I am proud of her even though she made some mistakes which now I understand. I don’t need to be someone else I need to be me, with my pros and cons I will face life. I really hope I will be a mother someday and have a healthy baby to show him/her the confidence that I am not showing now, at least I hope. In the mean time, I have had 4 big cookies, ooopppssss.
ps. Thank you for reading this, I was a bit sceptical about publishing this post but then I thought why not, we all have our fears it is just how we face them that matters (and we are not expecting baby at the moment).